Date #4: “I’ve dated you before”

(Forward: After 25 years of being married and now unwillingly divorced with two younger children in tow I find myself on the dating scene in 2018. After my first date that I aptly named T & A I decided to start blogging about my “adventures”, because dammit, you can’t make this S*** up. Feel free to follow me. ❤️)

“I’ve dated you before”

We messaged each other back-and-forth during the day. He met some of my requirements to go on a date. He had a job, didn’t live in a basement and had a car and he didn’t ask about my breasts in the first 5 minutes of talking. ? Things were off to a good start.

He asked me to meet him at the Matador downtown on 23rd in Portland. I had only been there one time so I was pretty excited to go and try the food again. I also just love walking on 23rd and looking at the people sitting, eating, talking and watching lovers hold hands or share a dessert. What a great spot for a date!

I pulled up and found a parking spot close. ? It was such a beautiful day. I was all dressed up my cute little pink jumper outfit with my chunky necklace and wedge heels. I now lovingly call that outfit my dating outfit. Since I have my children most of the time I’m only able to go out on dates once in a while so to keep it easy I just wear the same outfit now and wash it in between. ? Why make this harder than it needs to be right? ?

He had texted me and told me that he was sitting outside and had already got a table for us. So sweet. As I approached I was so happy that he looked like his pictures. He was dark complected and large in stature. His beautiful skin stood out even more so because of his crisp white shirt. (You know those really pretty ones that you see a lot of men wearing in Havana.) His pants were nice and perfect and the length just barely touched his brown shoes. He was wearing sunglasses that are mirrored in gold that you can see yourself in.

He stood up from the table and I gave him a hug and told him it was nice to meet him. He was definitely a sturdy fella and reminded me of an NFL football player. The waitress came over and asked what we would like to drink and I ordered a cocktail that I never had tried before. ?Usually I’m not that adventurous…I’m a creature of habit…I go with the house red or a margarita on the rocks usually. It was actually really good and he ordered a drink as well.

He never took off the sunglasses so I found myself staring into the gold mirrors trying really hard to find out where his eyes may be. But all I found was a distorted version of myself. ? Maybe they were prescription. ??‍♀️

The waitress came back over to take our order. She asked what I would like to eat first and I chose the beautiful button mushrooms sautéed in garlic and butter. He said he wasn’t hungry and didn’t order anything. ? This led me to have in the back of my mind the whole time we were talking over the meal about why he would ask me to come here, to this fancy restaurant if he wasn’t going to eat. And I will say that I was kinda self-conscious eating my buttery mushrooms in front of him. ?

As we started the conversation I asked him if he was originally from the US since he had accent. He quickly replied, “ please don’t make this an interview”. (At this point truthfully I almost darted) I told him that I wasn’t trying to interview him but that I was just doing what most people do and ask some questions to show interest in his life. It’s how most people get to know one another. He said that he just wanted the conversation to flow naturally and talk about his and my future. ? At this point I could see the type of personality I was possibly dealing with. I told him that we were just meeting his friends as I had mentioned in text and that we talked about no expectations. I reminded him that this was our first meeting and at this point there was no “us” to talk about. He said that he hoped that there would be and that he thought I was beautiful. ☺️

Then he proceeded to tell me how he works with children, what his background was, his degrees, he showed me a picture of his mother and said that she was his queen, told me about his brand new car, that he made a lot of money, that he’s been in some videos dancing and lip-synching, that he speaks a second language, proceeded to show me 40 pictures of him at his work with children who are all smiling and standing next to him, about his ex who cheated on him, and a plethora of other things. But never asked me one question. ??‍♀️ But of course this was wasn’t an interview was it?! ? I just sat and listened and ate my mushrooms.

As I started to talk and tell a little bit about myself he cut me off every time and started talking about himself. I guess the subject reminded him of a story of his own. ??‍♀️ Then he mentioned he was really happy that he got a close parking spot and pointed to his car that was a brand new Mercedes with gold trim. He showed me his Michael Khors watch and told me he liked fine things and that he had many hats too.

When I got done listening to him and we were done eating I asked him if he would like to go for a walk. (I just love walking up and down 23rd, it’s such a beautiful area.) He said that he worked a long day and didn’t want to walk anymore. We just sat there and I wasn’t sure what to say since I couldn’t ask any questions. All I really wanted to ask is why are you still wearing your sunglasses? We had another drink.

I made sure to tell the waitress that I would pay for my own food and drinks, which is one of my rules. I went to the restroom and when I came back he had paid for everything. I mentioned to him at the beginning of the meal that I said that I would get my bill… he said that he was happy to get it. ? Broke my rule but that was still very kind and sweet of him. Just felt weird since he didn’t eat.

He finally said that he would walk a little with me because I could tell he didn’t really want the date to end and we couldn’t just sit there and stare at each other anymore. He walked me to his car which was about 20 feet away and said he was going to take me someplace special. ??‍♀️ Nope! Not going to happen. That’s breaking one of my rules. As he tried to open the door I mention that I didn’t feel comfortable riding in the car with him or going to a different location but that I thought the location that we were at was perfectly fine and there was a lot of things to do around there. You could see the aggravation in his face and he said, “Well, I was going to take you to a romantic place to watch the sunset but if you don’t care about things like that then that’s fine.” Passive aggressive much?!? I could’ve went down the rabbit hole and explained myself. I could’ve told him how much I love beautiful romantic places and then tried to make him feel better but I just didn’t have it in me. I had lived with a partner for a long time that did this very thing and I wasted a lot of my energy. I just replied, OKAY, thanks!”

We started walking down the street and was getting a lot of looks. He was a pretty big guy kind of towering over me. He stopped me in the middle of the sidewalk and put his arms around me. I nudged him to keep walking. A woman walked past us and she said, “Wow! I absolutely love your outfit, it’s so beautiful. And the shoes go so great with it!” I thanked her and we kept walking and he said to me. “Well, look at you getting compliments on your outfit.” I started talking about how I love how woman can build one another up and support each other in being strong and beautiful. Then he started talking about fashion and how he liked fine things. ??‍♀️

If I asked him a question he either didn’t answer it, answer it indirectly, responded with a question back or was passive aggressive. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally defending myself or dodging rabbit holes. Then he had to go to the bathroom. He asked me to wait as he ducked into a small store to use the bathroom. I thought to myself now is the chance to get out and leave. But I can never be that mean or hurtful to somebody or make somebody feel that bad so I stayed. ??‍♀️

I directed him back to the car. I brought up the fact that a lot of people were looking at us and just talking about my thoughts surrounding that since I’ve had some dealing with it having Asian looking kiddos and all. I asked him what he thought and he said, “I don’t know because I’m not prejudice.” I said, “Well, I’m not either.” Then felt the need to explain myself, show pictures of my 1/2 Asian kids but I didn’t. I was really proud of myself and instead saved my energy. I’ve come along way in a year and a half.

At this point I decided to see how self aware he was so I asked him if he realized that sometimes he was slightly passive aggressive. (I was being nice with the slightly ?) He said that he didn’t think he was at all. So I gave him an example and he said still that he didn’t think he was being passive aggressive at all. Then as we proceeded to walk he kept bringing it up and being passive aggressive about being passive aggressive. ? Then he would talk about something else for a minute and then say, “or am I just being passive aggressive?”

I knew exactly who and what I was dealing with….I said in my head, “I’ve dated you before. I LIVED with you before. I know all of the tricks and the manipulative things you will do to make me feel crazy. You will never be self-aware of your problems, always be right, never admit to any faults and will never be able to take one piece of advice or any criticism and in the end you will walk away unscathed with no feelings and make it all look like me.” I was being triggered because of the stonewalling, gaslighting and passive aggressive behaviors he was exhibiting toward me throughout the date. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. ?

Finally we were almost to my car and I stopped him at the car before mine. He put his arms around my waist and faced me toward him and I put my hands up by his shoulders to keep a little distance. He said that he had a wonderful time and that he hopes to see me again. I told him thank you for the date.

He wrote me the next day.
The next day he wrote me again.
The third day he asked me why I was silent and mentioned that he paid for my meal. ?

Of all the crazy dates, sexual things said to me and one slightly scary date I feel that THIS ONE was really the most “dangerous” in a way and I’m glad that I am strong enough now to recognize it. ?

Next on Sex in the Little City…
“I’m taking my “junk” with me”

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